This song basically sums up my life right now.

A decade ago,
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like an imminent possibility
to me.

So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!

Not two days ago,
I was having a look
in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy
fried up above his knee.
I said, "I can relate,"
cause lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcome vacation from
the burdens of
the planet Earth.
like gravity, hypocrisy,
and the perils of being in 3-D...
but thinking so much differently.

Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!



I'm in the process of reinventing myself, rediscovering myself, redefining myself...whatever you'd like to call it.
I feel completely and utterly mediocre. In everything. In school, as an artist, in relationships, in my job, in life in general. I've done some things as a person that I'm not only surprised by but disgusted with. It's up to debate by the people who know me but I don't care. I'm not happy with how I've handled my life for the last year. I feel like I'm becoming this gigantic tyrant bitch who destroys everyone in her path. And I could blame it all on a boy, but that would be the easy way out. Although I do feel he is a huge factor to everything I feel, I'm going to just go ahead and take the fall for this one. He may be the reason why I have practically no self-respect or self-confidence or hell a self at all really but how I treated him in the end is disgraceful. It's a horrible feeling to break someone's heart. I believe it is the most horrible thing I have ever felt. I'd much rather have my own ripped out. And after the HORRIBLE things he said to me, I'm shattered. I have lost my Self. The whatever it is inside me that made me a person. I feel like some hollow shell. I got a tattoo after the huge unraveling happened hoping it would help remind me that I am the one who should be able to define who I am. Not someone else. It didn't work. Now I feel like a decorated hollow shell. It's given me a lot of inspiration for art but there's like this wall that stops my ideas from being able to actually come out into the physical world. It's like artist block or something. I don't know. My teachers say I need to be more ambitious. That I need to actually show up for class. Hah. The only thing I seem to be able to apply myself to anymore is rugby. And even then I sometimes feel like I'm half-assing it. I've never been so excited for games and practice and to just get out there and run the ball through a mass of girls like I am now. Without rugby I don't know how I'd be getting by right now honestly. I push all the people who are here for me most away from me. I can't stand to be around any of them. My temperament is so relatable to that of the Hulk it's scary. I constantly freak out on my roommate and I push away the one guy who has been trying to be there for me through all of this. It's like the previous boy has ruined me for anyone else. I can't even think about touching anyone else without getting physically sick. I know I need to let go and face the fact that he wants nothing to do with me anymore and that's that. I'll never talk to him and if he has it his way I will never see him again. I just can't wrap my head around it. He isn't innocent. His hands are dirty too and I'm the sole bad guy? Sigh. This wasn't suppose to be a high school "emo" blog about boys and love. I just want to find myself again. I want to be happy with who I am. Proud of who I am. I want to be memorable.